colebaltblue | (no subject)

My therapist has been encouraging me to journal. I bought a paper journal, but it fell out of my purse in the car and has been living on the floor of my car for at least a month. It's never been written in. I've spent 2 years of therapy resisting journaling.

But I had a thought recently brought on by a discussion in a session that led me back to journaling. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't want to see those things on paper or a computer screen or even spoken aloud - I believe words have power and to call them into being makes them real. So journaling, but journaling only semi-privately.

The discussion I had was this: I believe if people get to know me, they won't like me.

In order to prevent this from happening, I don't let people get to know me. I do let people see deeply into me, but only specific parts. The number of people who have seen deeply into multiple parts can be counted on one hand. "I just don't talk about myself like that with that person," is a common phrase of mine. Like a damn bursting open though, I have a feeling that attempting to change this will lead to over-share. Hence me circling back to journaling.

Dreamwidth seem like an appropriate place for this. I can make these entries semi-public as an exercise in calling myself into being via words, but I retain control over this experiment. Comment if you'd like because interaction is good and I genuinely want to know your thoughts on the things I have to say. Disagreement is welcome, or perspective, or what ever you call it. My truths aren't infallible. Or don't comment. Read, or don't read. The exercise is to simply put them out there in the universe for them to exist outside of me.

Thanks.

(entries will be public for now, I may filter in the future)